In an alternate reality scenario created by SLC shortstop Thanos via the use of one of his many infinity stones, every RLB team is suddenly compelled to make a trade. I know what you’re thinking: “RLB teams trading with each other? But that’s insanity! It’s not possible, is trading even allowed? In this alternate reality is the Salt Lake City front office still a bunch of cheaters?” Continue reading and all of those questions will be answered, and more.

SPICY LEVEL: DIABLO

Trade 1:  Miami Manatees acquire SS Rocket Robishaw from the Tijuana Tacos for Laviska Twongyeirwe, Jorge Correa, Jack Merrit and Salvador Vega 

It’s the trade everyone’s been waiting for. Rocket and Miami is the Mulder and Scully of RLB. Will they or won’t they? Who actually cares how it finally gets done, but it’s been rumored for 5+ years now and everyone is tired of hearing about it.

Trade 2:  Jackson River Monster acquire 1B Simo Häyhä from the Colorado Dodos for Raul Pacheco, Santiago Ondelacy and Dennis Kuhn 

I think this just might be my masterpiece. Jackson needs a big bat. Shouldbefargo needs to go the way of the dodo and be obsolete forever so we can all start enjoying life once again. It’s a perfect match!

Trade 3: Roswell Greys trade 2B Lester Bailey to the St. Louis Outlaws for Mario Romero, Ray Bonfante, Phil Nox and Tim Solis 

It seems fitting that the 2 most frustratingly average teams in RLB line up perfectly to make a megadeuce. The Outlaws desperately need another big hitter in their lineup, and the Roswell Greys need to just hit the reset button already.

Trade 4: Portland Pines acquire CF Terrence Gage from the Seattle Geoducks for Jorge Colao, Antonio Lopez and Santiago Rivas 

Gage probably needs a change of scenery, the ankle injuries are starting to appear and that’s not a positive sign. Time to sell high. Portland finally gets a centerfielder, and Seattle finally does something interesting. Rivas helps shore up a rotation that had a 4.55 era last year.

Trade 5: Boston Brawlers acquire SP Art Morrison from the Oklahoma City Capitols for Daniel Atkins, Addison Steinbach and Aurelio Lozano. 

Boston signed their missing piece, Canadian demigod Nicolas Giraud, so it’s time to put all the chips on the table and go for it! Morrison finally gives this plucky team a much-needed ace that it sorely lacked in 2057. Boston becomes 2058 ring favorite.

SPICY LEVEL: FIRE

Trade 6:   LA Brazzers acquire SP Alex Shafer from the Indianapolis Yetis for a 1st round pick, Francisco Yanez, Creighton Lopez and Doyle Mann 

Brazzers won 82 games last and look to be a few pieces short of being a playoff team for the first time in almost 15 years. Adding a young starter like Shafer improves their chances considerably. Indianapolis would be right to ask for a greater return than this, but the 2 teams might line up.

Trade 7: Havana Banans trade SP Bob Holden to the Salt Lake City Salt Shakers for Valentin Luna, Bill Moser and Kevin Rush 

I have a feeling that if a certain GM was still in charge of Salt Lake City a megadeuce like this probably would’ve happened by now. Salt Lake City seems to be sliding every year, action needs to be taken and adding a pitcher like Holden could propel them in front of Colorado.

Trade 8: Woonsocket Mongeese acquire SP Mark Seymour from the Shadowland Reapers for Scott Ray, Jim Lambright and Prucha Strickland 

Commence swooning. Seymour is 38, so it’s hard to nab down his trade value but it’s hard to imagine a stronger return than this. Woonsocket finally gets the starting pitcher they’ve needed for the last 30 seasons.

SPICY LEVEL: HOT

Trade 9: Akron Vulcans acquire SP Julio Mendoza from the Houston Red Bulls for a 1st round pick, Alco Wijnen, Sergei Gabdullin and Raul Forres 

It’s strange that Houston traded for Mendoza, as he doesn’t seem to really fit their window. Mendoza is 29 years old, his productive years are running out and a playoff team like Akron would be smart to snatch him up.

Trade 10: San Francisco Friars acquire OF Jesus Cabral from the Cleveland Steamers for J.J. Jimenez, Jose Rios and Abilio Aguilio

San Francisco continues to search for the answer to the age-old question “what is offense?” and Cabral helps to possibly answer that question once and for all. Cleveland acquires a group of young players that better fit their window.

Trade 11: New Orleans Crawdads acquire SP/DH Morris Alford from the Montreal Royals for Michael Greenwood, Brit Valentine and Sef Sellami 

Not sure why I want this to happen so badly, but i’d like to see a 2-way player finally being properly managed, and I think John could be the man to do it. Roll dads.

SPICY LEVEL: MILD

Trade 11: Chicago Railmen acquire 3B Jeremy Rose from the Vancouver Beavers for Trey Flynn and Ed Frazier 

The Beavers have had bullpen woes for quite some time, which continues to hamstring them year after year. Chicago, as tradition, has an embarrassing number of relievers and just so happens to need a third baseman. There might be some possible chemistry here.

Trade 13: Motor City Madmen acquire 1B Andres Guerra from the Las Vegas Bunnies for Jethro van Zoolingen, David Reese and Chris Redfield 

Guerra is turning 34, Las Vegas doesn’t look to be competing any time soon so the remaining time to cash in on Guerra’s dwindling trade value is quickly running out. Motor City is the perfect match, as Guerra provides them with a cleanup hitter they desperately need.

SPICY LEVEL: MAYONNAISE

Trade 14:  Nashville Gamblers acquire 2B Nando Boerkens and Erik Keller from the Long Beach Sea Otters for Angel Rodriguez and Gunner Brown 

Trade 15: Harlem Sewer Rats acquire 1B Tony Slaughter from the Charlotte Sugar Dwarves for Cole Zuckadiechs and Stanford Lawton